


with open ears and open hearts

by spicysoo



Series: you’re giving me a heart attack [3]
Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Manga Spoilers, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24331714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicysoo/pseuds/spicysoo
Summary: It takes a song to drive Mafuyu into action.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Series: you’re giving me a heart attack [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625599
Comments: 28
Kudos: 220





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third fic in this series, so if you haven't read the other two, please do so first. The second part of this fic will be up soon. I hope you guys enjoy it.

“You know we’re going to play one of his songs at our next show,” Hiiragi softly admits as he quietly looks outside the café window. 

It was pretty late, and Mafuyu’s still reeling from Hiiragi pulling him away from the music store to stumble into a nearby café. The other boy was more than a bit breathless when he had done so, but seeing him now, looking out the window and looking more reflective than usual, something’s obviously off. Hiiragi’s usually never like this because out of all of them, Mafuyu and Shizusumi were the thinkers of their friend group. 

_Yuuki’s_ song isn’t the issue, or at least, it isn’t the only issue. 

Looking up from his latte to look at his friend, to see what the other was thinking, Mafuyu bit his lip, “Which song?” 

Only for Hiiragi to turn his attention away from the window to give him a small, somewhat odd smile as he replies, “The only song he didn’t finish.” 

The words leave a lot to be said and Mafuyu can’t help but wonder what his friend is trying to get at. The feeling reminds him of the night that Shizusumi had cornered him and it’s hard to not feel a little ashamed. He had only just started hanging out with Hiiragi and Shizusumi again, but the time that he had closed himself off and had spent away from them, they still knew him enough to get a good read on him. 

All the practice that they had done with his boyfriend just made it worse. Hiiragi and Ritsuka may be somewhat similar individuals and the two were pretty adamant about why they disliked each other, but the two still respected the talent they had. While Shizusumi? He just liked Ritsuka as a person. 

Ritsuka may have been a little rough, but he was honest and kind and didn’t deserve Mafuyu’s treatment of him. 

It is not a wonder why Shizusumi had cornered him or that Hiiragi had pulled him into a nearby café to talk. The two cared way too much about him, but it was obvious that they cared about his boyfriend as well. 

Frowning into his latte, the foam art completely gone, Mafuyu nervously asks, “Did you finish it?” 

Which only causes Hiiragi to laugh, an incongruous display of tension and disbelief, “No... Uenoyama finished it.” 

Feeling anger spike through him at the thought of his boyfriend doing such a thing, he can’t help but be angry and frustrated. Not at Ritsuka, but at Hiiragi and Shizusumi for even letting the other boy hear one of Yuuki’s songs—No, not hear one of Yuuki’s songs, but _touch_ _one of_ _his_ _songs._

“Why?” 

“Why?” Hiiragi repeats, almost as if the question that Mafuyu had just asked was completely absurd, Hiiragi’s gaze quickly locks itself on him. “Because I wanted to be a little selfish with our music and I really wasn’t expecting Uenoyama to say yes when I had asked if he could finish it... I thought he was going to say no, but he didn’t... I thought maybe listening to one of Yuuki’s songs would get him out of his head... He’s been in it a bit too much and I’m sure that has to do with you—” 

“You noticed too? Why did you—” 

Gaze sharp, mouth angry, Hiiragi is quick to interrupt, “We’re not close enough to do something like that and I’m not going to dissuade him from playing music, even if it’s hurting him right now. Shizu may think I’m an idiot sometimes, but even I know Rits—Uenoyama and you need to figure things out! Uenoyama’s not Yuuki, alright? And Uenoyama has already assured us that he would tell us if he suddenly couldn’t play, so instead of fighting me, why not be honest with him... Maybe fight for him?” 

Body going rigid at the words, at the shame that was tearing through him like a tornado, Mafuyu knew he couldn’t say that he was scared. The feeling didn’t seem like a good enough reason to explain why he had let them get this bad. Even though it was the reason why he hadn’t said anything. 

Hearing Hiiragi let out a long sigh, Mafuyu couldn’t help but be surprised when the other boy reached out to put his hand on his wrist, “I understand how difficult things have been for you and that you’re trying your best... And I-I shouldn’t be angry at that, especially since whatever is wrong is between you and him. I wasn’t trying to start a fight either, I just wanted... I wanted to tell you that we’re going to play one of Yuuki’s songs at our next show... I didn’t want you to go into that show blind, alright?” 

Shizusumi may have called him a coward, but he should have known that Hiiragi was too soft to get angry at him. He should actually be grateful that his friend sprung this information on him, because if he had to wait until their next show to hear one of _Yuuki’s_ songs, Mafuyu doesn’t know what he would do. 

“Mafuyu, I’m also a little sorry for letting Uenoyama finish it... Looking at it now, it’s more than a little bit mean... I shouldn’t have asked.” 

“Yeah, probably and—and this was probably the meanest that you ever been, but...” 

“But what?” 

Hesitation trickled through his veins, “How did Ritsuka do?” 

Not expecting Mafuyu to ask that question just yet, but needing to tell him how he did, Hiiragi rubbed his chin, “I don’t know what I expected to be honest since I didn’t know if Uenoyama could give me what he had ended up giving me... He really surprised me.” 

That wasn’t completely unusual since Ritsuka could be pretty surprising sometimes, so Mafuyu quietly let his friend continue. He really needed to hear how Ritsuka did. If the action ended up making things worse. 

“He’s a lot more talented than I thought, but the song... It doesn’t sound like Uenoyama at all...” 

Confusion marring his features as his insides had turned to ice, Hiiragi titters on, “Uenoyama’s demo sounded just like Yuuki’s. Uenoyama’s not him, but he sounded just like him and I don’t know how you found him Mafuyu, but—” 

“That’s enough... Please, no more!” Mafuyu interrupts, feeling even worse at the thoughts that cross his mind. 

Ritsuka couldn’t be okay... 

_Not after that._

XXX 

The lights are too bright, and the air feels heavy and oppressive. The stage has never felt this intimidating, and Ritsuka doesn’t think that he’s ever trembled this hard in his life. The wind has been knocked out of his sails, and Ritsuka feels himself slowly lose control as he hears Hiiragi make his closing statements to the crowd. The asshole’s dazzling smile does nothing for his nerves as he thinks about the last song that they’re going to play. 

_Yuuki’s song_... 

It doesn’t matter if Ritsuka had stayed awake for over 36 hours to finish the song or listened to Yuuki’s demo so much that he had gotten sick of it. Ritsuka had done his best to get into Yuuki’s head, and while he was amazed by the other’s talent, he still felt raw and stripped bare at the emotions that he had felt while finishing the song. He should have been regretful and kicking himself for being too prideful to say no, but those feelings had quickly been overpowered by everything else. 

There were insecurity and anxiety at his and Mafuyu’s relationship. There was impatience, confusion, and distress in trying to understand Mafuyu’s need to come to terms with his grief and the difficulty the two were having towards navigating their relationship. There were frustration and an overwhelming feeling of bitterness at how he struggled and persevered to write what his sister had quickly classified as a love letter from his boyfriend’s ex. 

It was probably the most challenging thing that he’d ever done, and the experience was so visceral that Ritsuka had never hated himself more than in those moments. 

He had stepped on a landmine, and his fingers ached from the memories of writing a song for Mafuyu, but not as himself, but as Yuuki. 

It had pained him to think back to the hours that he had spent composing that song, almost as if he had been possessed to finish it. It was not because he had been inspired to finish it, but because he found himself caring too much. The loneliness that had struck him as he listened to the unfinished song, Yuuki’s voice causing chills to go down his spine, he couldn’t help but think of a small boy that was prone to smiling his hurts away, only to cry in a ball with no one around to see him do so. The image was so sharp that Ritsuka could almost imagine himself holding the little boy in his arms, softly telling him that things were going to be okay. Only to feel a sense of dread rush over him like the tide of a hurricane-infested ocean instead. 

Ritsuka had felt the need to punch something... To punch himself for being so stupid to agree to something like finishing Yuuki’s song. 

He should have hated Hiiragi for putting him in this situation, but just like Mafuyu, who was still swept up with the ghosts of his past, Hiiragi was still coming to terms with his grief as well. 

Hiiragi wasn’t doing this to be an asshole; he was doing it for closure. 

Hiiragi had wanted to put the pain behind him, to move on, and Ritsuka was too much of a pushover to let his feelings get in the way. 

Fingernails having dug into the strings of his guitar, Ritsuka continued to play—no, to find what Yuuki had wanted to say in this song as he let the music flow through him. The agony of wanting the song to end as quickly as possible, but unable to stop himself from playing on, Ritsuka had felt the hours bleed into a day. 

He was like the little girl with the cursed red shoes that had been forced to dance and dance and dance until she couldn’t do so anymore. That image had been depressing and, at times, a little too accurate, so Ritsuka had tried to picture himself as something else. 

One night his sister had mentioned the process of restorative art, and he couldn't help but be struck by the image; the guitarist couldn’t help but try to envision himself as a restorative painter instead. Especially since a restorative painter wasn’t one to force themselves to understand the original painter, but a restorative painter was someone that chose to become someone else. They decided to tell a tale that wasn’t their own. To Ritsuka, that was a much better image to describe what he was doing with Yuuki’s song, but he couldn’t escape the feeling of himself being shattered during the process. 

He couldn’t help but wonder if Mafuyu would love him more if he could be like Yuuki or do the things that Yuuki had done to make Mafuyu happy. Because more times than he could count, Ritsuka would feel like a pathetic mess as he tried to be someone that Mafuyu could depend on and talk to and love. 

He was unbelievably weak for anything to do with Mafuyu, and if he wasn’t so lovestruck, then that feeling should have scared him. 

As the hours had passed and Ritsuka eventually found himself playing the final chord, the guitarist couldn’t help but let out an exhausted grin. Ritsuka having beaten the song, enduring the pain that came along with it, Ritsuka hadn’t cared about the time or that he hadn’t showered in a couple of days. He had needed to show Hiiragi the finished product; he needed to see if his demo was actually good enough. 

Throwing on his uniform and booking it out the door, his phone clenched in his hand as he had run to Hiiragi’s school, it wasn't long before he had found the other boy. Anger rushing through him as he forced the other to take his headphones and pressing play on an untitled song called demo2, he almost self-combusted as Hiiragi quietly listened to the song. 

Only for his insides to go cold at the shocked look that had crossed the other musician’s face, Ritsuka knew he had to have gotten that demo right. 

There was no piece of him in that song. 

There was no place for him in Mafuyu’s— 

“The last song that you’ll hear tonight was started by an old friend of Shizu’s and mine, but it was recently finished by a new one, so if you can, please grab the hand of the person next to you and sway along. This may be the only time that we will play this song... Please enjoy _Untitled._ ” 

Vision whitening out as he is quickly brought back to the present, Ritsuka almost missing the grateful look that Hiiragi shoots him as he finishes his spiel. The other understanding of how difficult the favor he had entrusted Ritsuka with is flashing through his mind. Ritsuka finds himself acknowledging the look by moving his fingers to strum the first chord. 

It doesn’t take long for the drums and bass to follow, Hiiragi’s lips meeting the mic for the last time that night. 

Ritsuka finds himself closing his eyes as his body sways to the music. He’s forcing himself to keep his eyes from the crowd, too afraid to look for Mafuyu. He’s too frightened to let the other see how much of a mess this song makes him or for Mafuyu to see a bumbling, awkward Ritsuka fumble his way through something that he should never have been able to touch. 

If Mafuyu can hear Yuuki on the stage—to possibly see him one last time, Ritsuka should be okay with that. 

He had to be. 

_Right?_

XXX 

Mafuyu wanted to pinch himself as he quietly watched his friends and boyfriend play their last song for the night. The song was nothing like the stuff that Mafuyu was used to seeing Ritsuka play, but it was reminiscent of the stuff that Yuuki and the others often played when they first started out. It was a good mix of pop and punk, but it was brash in a way that easily reminded Mafuyu of Yuuki. 

The sound was so similar that Mafuyu couldn’t help but think back to the café and Hiiragi’s admission of Ritsuka throwing away his usual style to finish a song that he really shouldn’t have finished. The sound was absolutely Yuuki’s and Mafuyu’s eyes couldn’t leave his boyfriend’s form, ears pleasantly ringing at the sounds coming from Ritsuka’s guitar. 

Hiiragi may have been the one singing, But Ritsuka was the one that was taking Mafuyu’s breath away. As well as making his heart constrict in ways that Mafuyu knew he shouldn’t run from, especially with how much Ritsuka had been worrying him. 

The image of Ritsuka playing his guitar with gritted teeth and swaying back and forth as if he was a hair away from falling to his knees was an alarming sight. Ritsuka was usually confident and sure of himself and if he didn’t have that self-satisfied smirk on his face whenever he was on stage, then he was prone to giving the crowd a smile instead. However, the boy in front of him was displaying none of those things and Mafuyu couldn’t help but feel a little bit worse. Especially when he thought about Ritsuka and how cagey he had been. 

Mafuyu was grateful that Hiiragi had given him the heads up, but seeing Ritsuka push himself so hard to play a style so unlike himself was quite difficult to bear. Ritsuka may have been hurting and in pain, but instead of letting those things get to him, he continued to play as if Yuuki had taken over his body. 

Ritsuka was a vessel for Yuuki and Mafuyu almost choked on air as he noticed his boyfriend slowly morph into the boy that had stolen his heart all those years ago. However, unlike Ritsuka who had looked pained and worn down, Yuuki was smiling as if he had never left the stage. 

It was as if Yuuki _had never left him_ and that was absolutely terrible to see. 

Yuuki was on stage and Mafuyu could barely gasp for air, but as the song was coming to an end, the feeling was quickly replaced. Insides turning to ice at the sight of Yuuki being replaced with Ritsuka once again, his boyfriend’s blue eyes finally catching him, Mafuyu was vastly unprepared for the look that he was currently receiving. 

Mafuyu couldn’t describe the look Ritsuka was giving him, he didn’t have the words to do such a thing, but Ritsuka’s gaze was utterly haunting. 

Ritsuka wasn’t okay—his boyfriend hadn’t been okay for weeks now, and seeing Yuuki for a short moment had made Mafuyu realize something. 

Yuuki may always have a place in his heart, but Ritsuka was fighting—no, struggling to have a place too. 

Ritsuka didn’t need to struggle or fight, because Ritsuka had given him a chance that no one else had given him before. 

Ritsuka had given him a chance to be a part of something that was much bigger than himself. 

Ritsuka had believed in him, and thinking about how much Ritsuka encouraged him and given him the confidence needed to live again, Mafuyu wanted to do something crazy. He wanted to go up on stage, grab the other teen, and yell at him for not taking care of himself and making him worried. Then once he was doing yelling, he’d kiss Ritsuka until the other’s lips were sore and bruised. 

_He’d finally tell_ _Ritsuka_ _that he loved him._

Because after seeing Ritsuka play like Yuuki, Mafuyu knew he wouldn’t be able to handle that again. Ritsuka wasn’t Yuuki, would never be Yuuki, and Mafuyu needed Ritsuka to know that he didn’t love him less for that. 

Yuuki was his past, but Ritsuka was his future, so nails digging into his palms and eyes stinging from unshed tears, Mafuyu could only look to the ceiling and give one last goodbye. 


	2. Fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I just want to thank you for all the kind words on the previous chapter and that I'll be replying to everyone's comments this week. The comments really helped me keep my motivation as I found myself constantly rewriting this chapter multiple times until I was able to be relatively satisfied with what I was writing. Especially since Mafuyu is a pain in the ass to write, so I hope everyone is able to enjoy the ending to this fic and that I didn't do a complete disservice to Mafuyu or Ritsuka in the process. But anyway, please enjoy!

**_I did it... I did it. I can’t believe it... I hope Mafuyu liked it... I hope... I hope I didn’t do something I shouldn’t have done... Was I able to play like Yuki? Did I get that across? Crap... What if Mafuyu doesn’t like it or he thinks... What does he think? Oh my god, what if Mafuyu hated that? What if I hurt him?_ **

Ritsuka tries not to lose it as soon as he and the others get off the stage. His nerves are fried, and Ritsuka feels as if someone had ripped his heart from his chest. 

Playing Yuuki’s song had completely wrecked him, and if he didn’t have his guitar in his hands, he’d be biting his nails to the nailbed. He’s anxious, and he doesn’t know how to stop his brain from thinking the worst, especially since Yuuki’s song didn’t calm him as other songs would. 

The pain in his fingers doesn’t ground him anymore, and if Ritsuka had felt a little more sober and less high-strung, the thought would have frightened him. He shouldn’t be used to pain like that, but after weeks of being in a perpetual state of neuroticism, it had swayed him into some dangerous coping methods. 

He’s been reckless, and while that’s not anything new to Ritsuka, the notion of his world starting to spin out of control rapidly was. Ritsuka has never been so out of his depth, and he doesn’t know where to step or what he should latch onto. 

Mafuyu had made a home in his heart, and Ritsuka was terrified of messing things up. It didn’t matter if Ritsuka was in pain or drowning in feelings he didn’t necessarily understand. Mafuyu was hurt and would continue to hurt until he could adequately come to terms with his feelings. Ritsuka could disregard some of his negative emotions to support Mafuyu better and be the understanding boyfriend that he needed. 

Mafuyu had gone through something terrible. It was only until recently that Mafuyu was able to talk about what he was feeling, so Ritsuka could deal with the insecurity and anxiousness on his own for a little while. He’d share Mafuyu with Yuuki because that was the right thing to do. 

Letting out a breath he didn’t know that he’d been holding, Ritsuka forces himself to take a deep breath—several breaths and pull himself together. Mostly since he and the others had just finished a successful show, and while it was different than playing with Mafuyu, Kaji-san, and Haruki-san, he still had a lot of fun. 

At least for the first part of the show, that is. 

Not wanting to ruin the mood, Ritsuka forced himself to grin. The crowd had loved them, and seeing Hiiragi’s and Shizusumi’s relieved, yet grateful smiles were something that could ground him. He could keep it together until he got home, so turning his attention to Hiiragi, he found himself giving the other a shaky smirk, “Did I beat expectations?” 

Only for Hiiragi to throw his head back and chuckle, grateful that Ritsuka was trying to be his usual self, “Ritsu-kun, don’t you already know that. No need to fish for compliments.” 

Bewildered blush settling along his features at the sudden nickname, Ritsuka reached out to playfully push the other away, “I wasn’t fishing—” 

Only for his breath to catch in his throat when he had heard a familiar “Ritsuka” echo across the room. Looking over to see his boyfriend near the backstage door, Ritsuka took note of the other’s ashen face and eyes filled with something that Ritsuka couldn’t place. Insecurity jumping to the forefront of his mind, Ritsuka’s gaze quickly wandered to the ground in front of him. Shoulders tensing up to the thought of Mafuyu possibly being angry with him for overstepping his boundaries, Ritsuka couldn’t help but panic. 

He had only seen Mafuyu angry a couple of times, and often, it was short-lived, but it wasn’t every day that his current boyfriend would play, never mind finish, a song from his late boyfriend without ever mentioning it. Ritsuka knew he should have said something to Mafuyu about what he and the others were going to do that night. The thought had crossed his mind multiple times, and yet, he chickened out. 

Thinking about Mafuyu and how he had just blindsided him, Ritsuka should have told Mafuyu what he would do. Even if the song had been for Hiiragi and Shizusumi, it was still Yuuki’s song... 

Ritsuka had forced himself to play like Yuuki, and as much as that act had hurt him, it probably stripped Mafuyu bare. Mafuyu had to be confused, hurt, and feeling a ton of other negative emotions that Ritsuka had painfully brought up. If there was an asshole boyfriend award, Ritsuka just won it. 

**_Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I tell him that I was doing this? Why did I feel like I had to do it? Why? Why? Why?_ **

_**Why did I feel like Mafuyu needed me to be just like Yuuki instead of me?** _

Heart aching at that thought, only to feel selfish and ugly for thinking such a moment later, Ritsuka couldn’t run from Mafuyu. He was the one that had messed up, so he needed to make things right. 

Mafuyu had every right to be mad at him. 

He deserved it. 

Grimacing one last time before smothering his feelings with another smile, Ritsuka finally turned his attention back to his boyfriend. 

“Mafuyu... How was the show?” 

Only for his hands to grip his guitar so tight that a small pop was heard throughout the room: Ritsuka’s strings just broke. 

XXX

Feet stepping at the edge of a playground, Mafuyu finds himself clenching his fists in frustration until his knuckles turn white, and his fingers start to hurt. As soon as Ritsuka had fixed the string on his guitar, Mafuyu unable to do anything but stand there and wait for the other to finish up, Mafuyu found himself wordlessly dragging the other away. His face was tinged with frustration as he quietly remembered the banter between his friends and his boyfriend, the three have been in their own little world before Mafuyu decided to interrupt them. 

The oppressive silence that came after the interruption had made him feel powerless, especially when Ritsuka looked shaky on his feet when he turned to greet him. During the concert, the courage he had gained was quick to jump from his chest to dangle at his fingertips. Apprehension curled around his heart, and Mafuyu knew that he couldn’t talk to his boyfriend with Hiiragi and Shizusumi in the room. 

The two were an audience he didn’t need. 

Luckily for Mafuyu, Hiirgai and Shizusumi had quickly understood what Mafuyu had wanted—no, needed to do. However, it still didn’t stop his friends from giving him cautionary looks that Mafuyu didn’t want to see, but was grateful for the looks anyway. Shizusumi’s dark eyes told him to stop being a coward, as well as to be careful. Ritsuka had done all of them a favor that night, and Shizusumi didn’t want Ritsuka to tip-toe around the topic of Yuuki because the other boy cared about Mafuyu’s feelings more than his own. While Hiiragi, who was usually in Mafuyu’s corner, could only give him a knowing look. Hiiragi understood, but if Mafuyu wanted to make things better, then Mafuyu would need to be direct and honest with Ritsuka. 

Mafuyu needed to be strong enough to comfort his boyfriend, because, after months of Ritsuka being understanding and kind, Mafuyu had to show Ritsuka that he could do the same. Letting go was a scary concept, but comparing yourself to someone that had such a massive impact on your significant other’s life had to be excruciating in its own right. 

Mafuyu didn’t know how insecure and lost Ritsuka had been feeling until now, but seeing this side of Ritsuka made his skin crawl. 

The sensation a physical representation of his anger. 

_Anger at himself._

Ritsuka had feelings, just like himself, and the other had needed Mafuyu to show him that he cared. Ritsuka needed Mafuyu to show that he had cared for him as much as he had cared for Yuuki, even if it was painful to navigate emotions that often left him confused and scared. 

Ritsuka didn’t deserve Mafuyu closing himself off because that felt better than Mafuyu coming to terms with his feelings. Mafuyu was Ritsuka’s first love, and that should have been met with butterflies and excitement, not this anxiety that had Ritsuka throwing his self-worth away. 

Ritsuka was a lot kinder than Yuuki had ever been... 

Realizing that as he finally came to a stop, Ritsuka’s hand trembled in his, and Mafuyu suddenly found it much harder to breathe. 

With Yuuki, there had been plenty of times where he had felt vulnerable and powerless, but feeling Ritsuka’s hand tremor in his hold, things were obviously different between him and Ritsuka. Mafuyu was the one that held all the cards between the two of them. Ritsuka had given all of himself, just like Mafuyu had once done with Yuuki, and seeing himself take the position that Yuuki had once held with him, Mafuyu felt his stomach twist. Recognizing the power that Ritsuka had given him—the power that he had once given Yuuki when they had first started dating, Mafuyu’s eyes begin to well up with tears. 

Ritsuka felt just as powerless as him, and unlike Mafuyu, who had gone around in a fog, Ritsuka was forcing himself to handle things until he would physically hurt himself... Did Yuuki ever feel the sa— 

He clenches his eyes to stop the scene that comes before him because as much as he’ll never feel as much pain as he did on the day of Yuuki’s death, this isn’t the time to mix the two up. 

Yuuki’s pain wasn’t Ritsuka’s pain because Ritsuka isn’t Yuuki. 

Ritsuka’s a different person— _His own person._

Ritsuka deserves a moment where Mafuyu doesn’t cross the lines to think of Yuuki automatically. Ritsuka deserves a moment where he doesn’t have to swallow down his pain to take care of his loved ones. 

Opening his eyes, he tries not to scowl when Ritsuka has taken a step closer to him. The other undoubtedly looks concerned as his hands move to encircle around his arms firmly. Ritsuka’s grip is soft and firm, and the warmth he feels is uncomfortably lovely, and it’s maddening to him that the once trembling Ritsuka is now gone. 

However, before he can even express frustration at that thought, he sees something much darker in the other’s gaze. Ritsuka may be worried, but after weeks of pushing his feelings away, Mafuyu can clearly see the anxiety and insecurity that line his entire being. It’s a painful sight, but Mafuyu is grateful for that clarity. 

He finally knows how much he’s hurt the other boy, and it’s something he can’t run from anymore. Especially when he knows how much power Ritsuka has given him by dating him as this is Ritsuka’s first relationship, and Mafuyu has way more experience than the other. 

Mafuyu could break the other with that power, and it’s shameful thought to realize that Mafuyu had been doing that all along. Mafuyu couldn’t even say he had been doing it unknowingly, because deep down, he knew that there had to be some consequences for hiding himself away. 

Feeling angry at himself for his ignorance and not realizing how much Ritsuka had given him, Mafuyu couldn’t help but want to curse. Ritsuka may have had a similar vibe to Yuuki, but Ritsuka wasn’t him. 

Ritsuka cares too much about the people in his life. He may scowl and grumble like an angry cat at times, but he’s never not taken care of the people that he loves even if they had hurt him deeply at times. 

Ritsuka didn’t hide from his emotions as Yuuki or Mafuyu did. Yuuki liked to smile and joke his feelings away, while Mafuyu wanted to run from them. Ritsuka, on the other hand, liked to wallow and stew on them alone, not wanting to burden others with his problems. Ritsuka quietly processed his feelings until he came to a solution that he and everyone could accept. 

The solution may be skewed in other people’s favor as Ritsuka was willing to lose face for those he cared for, but Ritsuka didn’t try to run from his feelings when the world hurt him. 

Ritsuka _wasn’t_ like Yuuki at all. 

Wanting to swear at himself for being so unfair to his boyfriend, Mafuyu needed to know why Ritsuka decided to finish the song. Because as much as Ritsuka may have done a favor for Hiiragi and Shizusumi, Ritsuka willingly hurt himself for him, and Mafuyu needed to know why. Mafuyu wouldn’t be able to make amends without it. 

So, steeling himself once more, he finally asks, “Why hurt yourself so much for me?” 

Mafuyu doesn’t know why he starts with that question as he could have asked Ritsuka about the song, but this question encompasses that and more. Ritsuka has been undeniably hurting himself for weeks, and it didn’t start with the music, but the pain that led to him accepting such an idea. It’s the only question he needs to ask, even if it feels clunky on his tongue. 

Peeling Ritsuka’s grip from his arms to take the other’s hands in his, Mafuyu takes great care to note run his fingers over the other’s wounds. Mafuyu has hurt Ritsuka enough, so he tries to be gentle as he goes to ask, “Why are you hurting yourself so badly? I know you don’t enjoy it, so why?” 

Seeing Ritsuka look at him with wide eyes, the wind taken from his sails while his eyes dim with something that Mafuyu can’t place, Mafuyu waits for the other to answer. But the answer Ritsuka eventually gives is something that squashes his confidence into dust. 

Instead of getting defensive or upset in his usual manner, Ritsuka’s “Why are you asking me this? Is it—no, I—You’re upset, aren’t you? I overstepped, and the song was too much... I should have known it’d be too much. I shouldn’t have even attempted to finish that song; I’m so stupid... _So damn stupid_.” is more than enough to make Mafuyu wish he was emotionally intelligent enough to unravel the self-doubt and insecurity wrapped around the other’s words. 

However, Mafuyu isn’t like Haruki or Kaji-san, where their maturity and understanding of the world would have benefitted him with the experience to say the right things, so Mafuyu has to settle on messy and insensitive as he interrupts the other boy. Even though he knows he’s going to regret his word choice. He can feel the regret in his bones. But he can’t stop himself from saying them, because the shame he feels flares to life like gasoline on an open fire. 

“I don’t care how amazing you were in that concert or how you think I feel about the song; I care about you. I care about how you’re hurting yourself to be someone you’re not. You’re not Yuuki, because Yuuki’s dead! He’s dead, and he’s never coming back, so stop trying to be something you’re not!” Breath coming out in short pants and his hands once again at his sides, clenched into fists, Mafuyu breathlessly whispers, “You’re not Yuuki, and you’re never going to be him, so fucking stop already.” 

While Ritsuka, unable to feel anything but discouragement and shame for even thinking that he could be as good as Yuuki, can only reply, “F-fine... I’ll stop. I’ll stop trying so hard.” 

The words are more than enough to pull Mafuyu into action, “T-That’s not what I mean... You’re not understanding me... I don’t want you to be Yuuki... I-I don’t want you to be anything but yourself!” 

XXX

Taken aback, Ritsuka scrambles to find the right words, to defend himself and make sense of the whole mess, “You want me to be myself? You want me—I don’t understand... What are you even saying?” 

The song was supposed to make Mafuyu happy, but after hearing Mafuyu say that he didn’t care and that he had just wanted him to be himself again, Ritsuka’s completely lost. Pain blinds him because up until that moment, Ritsuka’s nerves had been all over the place. Right now, he feels as if an elephant has trampled on his heart. For what is the hundredth time since he had started to honestly date Mafuyu, giving his boyfriend all of his firsts, it’s excruciating to hear Mafuyu disregard his efforts. 

Ritsuka had set aside his doubts and pride to be what Mafuyu needed him to be, and now, it wasn’t enough—despite every action up until that point had said otherwise even though Ritsuka had done his best to be accommodating. 

Yuuki consistently bombarded their relationship. While, Ritsuka had understood and accepted that because it was evident that Mafuyu needed some time to process and grieve, it was still unbearably hard to deal with times. Mafuyu didn’t speak about Yuuki that much, but the emotions he could see on his boyfriend’s face when he thought he wasn’t looking or how Hiiragi and Shizusumi spoke about the other boy, Ritsuka found it hard to match up. Yuuki seemed so perfect, and even after all the pain that he had caused, he was such an integral part of everyone in his boyfriend’s life. 

That feeling of inadequacy consumed him, while curiosity got the better of him when Hiiragi had told him about Yuuki’s song. This feeling of wrongness, almost as if he was an outsider looking in, _Ritsuka_ _found himself wanting._

He wanted to finish Yuuki’s song to see if he and Mafuyu could come closer. He wanted to finish Yuuki’s piece to see why Mafuyu had loved the other boy so much. He wanted to finish that song because it was the only idea that he could think of to make Mafuyu look at him and cherish him as much as he had loved Yuuki. Ritsuka had given so much of himself, and yet, it hadn’t been enough. So maybe, if he had finished the song and pretended to be Yuuki and throw away himself for just a moment, he’d make Mafuyu happy. 

He’d be able to understand what made Yuuki so great. 

In the end, it just made him feel anxious and miserable because the song was a love song, and it was hard to place himself in Yuuki’s shoes. Mafuyu loved Yuuki so much, while Ritsuka was the dog that liked to sit under the table, patiently waiting to get scraps from their master. 

Everyone said their first love was intense, but no one mentioned the pain that came with loving someone who couldn’t give their all. To Ritsuka, it was just another thing to get used to because Mafuyu had been burned by his last relationship. It was inevitable for him to feel scared. Trust wasn’t something that one gave easily, but somehow, Ritsuka had no qualms giving Mafuyu his trust, heart, or pride. 

It was a scary idea to realize, but Ritsuka fought through that fear to give Mafuyu someone that he could depend on and trust. So, hearing Mafuyu say that he couldn’t be Yuuki and that he shouldn’t even attempt to be Yuuki because he was his own person, it was screwing with his mind. 

Why did he have to try so hard to become someone that he was not, to begin with? 

_Why did he feel so relieved?_

Closing his eyes to keep the tears that threatened to fall at bay, Ritsuka quietly continued, “Mafuyu, what is it that you want? What do you want me to be for you? Because I don’t...I don’t understand, and I need to understand what you want from me... I thought the song would help, but seeing and hearing you now, I’m lost... What do you need me to do?” 

Ritsuka almost passes out when he sees the steady flow of tears coming from Mafuyu’s eyes, while Mafuyu can only sniffle, “I’m sorry! I’m so goddamn sorry that I’m messing this up... That I’m messing you up and causing you to feel like I don’t care or love you. Because I do! I do, and I know that I haven’t been a good boyfriend, but I need you to know that I don’t want you to be like Yuuki... I don’t want you to feel like you have to compete with him...” 

Hearing Mafuyu emotionally beat himself up with his words, Ritsuka can’t squash down the need to wipe away the other’s tears, “Mafuyu—” 

Only for Mafuyu to cut him off, frustration in his eyes, “Ritsuka, I don’t need you to look after me, because right now, I should be looking after you!” 

Heart clenching at the words, Ritsuka can only shake his head, “I’m fine, you don’t—” 

“Ritsuka, when was the last time you looked after yourself? When was the last time you didn’t feel like shit because I made you feel that way? Can you answer me?” 

“I—” The words die on his lips, because Mafuyu, unable to deal with Ritsuka trying to console him again, has to force himself to interrupt. 

“Ritsuka, I hurt you... I’ve been hurting you for weeks now, and it’s not okay. Instead of accepting you for who you are, I’ve made you compete with my dead boyfriend, and that’s not okay... Rituska... Can you please tell me why you finished that song? Why you’ve been hurting yourself for me? Especially when you’re worth mo—” 

“I’m not... Whatever you’re trying to say, I’m not worth it, because if I were, I wouldn’t feel this way...” Feeling a tear slip from his eye, Ritsuka has to stop himself in fear of actually breaking down to cry. 

He can’t cry—no, he doesn’t want to cry, but as Mafuyu continues to look at him, hoping to hear an answer that he can live with, Ritsuka wipes the tear away, “How can you say that you love me for who I am, when just a day ago, you made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Yuuki’s still your everything, and I’m... I don’t know what I am... Mafuyu, what am I to you?” 

The question sends a flash of anguish across the other’s face before it’s replaced with an expression of guilt, as Mafuyu goes to answer. His boyfriend’s gentle words are filled with remorse. 

“Ritsuka, you’re my boyfriend... I love you, and I was absolutely terrible to you, but I don’t want to be that way anymore. I don’t want you to doubt yourself anymore because Yuuki’s gone... Ritsuka, you may play the guitar like him, but you’re different than him... You care about what I want and how I feel, and I... I wished that I realized how much that meant to me instead of living in the past. I wished I stopped being afraid of my feelings for you sooner, then maybe none of this would have happened...” 

Feeling incredibly conflicted, especially since Mafuyu’s words were enough to set a few of his insecurities at ease, but nowhere near enough to make up for the past couple of weeks, if not months, Ritsuka’s shoulders begin to shake. 

“I didn’t go into this to hurt anyone...” 

Unable to stop his tears, Ritsuka finds himself curling in on himself, appearing much smaller than he is. His hands move to cover his face as he tries to hide the start of his weeping, Rituska hopes to go that his reaction doesn’t cause Mafuyu to cry even more. Because as much as Mafuyu has hurt him, he’s never wanted to make Mafuyu upset enough to cry in front of him. 

Something of which he’s terribly failing at. 

“Oh, Ritsuka,” He hears Mafuyu whisper before the other is wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a hug. His forehead is quickly nestled into the crook of Mafuyu’s neck while one of Mafuyu’s hands finds its way into his hair. The other one pulls him close until it's almost difficult to breathe; it doesn't escape Ritsuka's notice that Mafuyu's just as upset as he is. Ritsuka can only cry harder. 

He doesn’t know where to go or how they can come back from this. 

_The thought_ _terrifies him._

XXX

Holding onto Ritsuka like this is a first, and it’s a first that he’s never wanted to have with anyone. Because hearing Ritsuka softly cry into his hands, tears dripping through his fingers, while his body trembles in his hold, Mafuyu doesn’t want to listen to his boyfriend cry like this ever again. 

It’s absolutely gut-wrenching, and Mafuyu has no one else to blame. 

Feeling the strength in his legs leave him, Mafuyu unable to stop himself from guiding the two of them onto the ground, not once pulling Ritsuka away from him as he does so. Ritsuka’s too wrapped up in his tears to notice the gesture just yet, but he’s sure, when everything is said and done, the other will be grateful for it. 

Listening to Ritsuka’s breathing go from harsh, yet quiet sobs, to a couple of sniffles here and there, Mafuyu finds himself caressing his boyfriend’s hair. The strands are incredibly soft along his fingers, and if Ritsuka’s willing to forgive him and let them try again, Mafuyu knows he’ll want to do this gesture over and over again. 

But only if Ritsuka lets him, that is. 

Mafuyu finally decides that he needs to come clean and tell Ritsuka everything, and maybe then, Ritsuka will be able to understand. Then once he’s finished, Ritsuka will be able to tell him about all of his doubts and insecurities as well, so that Mafuyu can finally make amends. 

He hopes the two will be able to understand each other, so that Ritsuka can give him a second chance to make things right. This time it will be without Yuuki constantly clouding his thoughts and giving Ritsuka the attention he deserves. 

Steeling himself one last time, he softly gives, “I’m sorry about everything, but if I tell you about Yuuki, will you be able to tell me why you finished that song?” 

While Ritsuka, quite drained from crying, but still willing to hear his boyfriend out, offers a nod. 

It’s from there that their relationship can begin to repair itself, the two of them piecing things together a little at a time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there wasn't as much comfort as I wanted, but I've been thinking about writing another oneshot for this series to give a little more closure. Writing this made me realize that one heartfelt discussion wasn't going to cut it, so I'll probably have something a lot shorter than this to finish things out. Despite that, I hope the ride was enjoyable so far and that you continue to support this series. Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me, the next part will have the comfort that you guys are all waiting for. And damn, Hiiragi is so difficult to write, but his "Normally I don't want to interfere with other people's lives because I don't think it does any good" in Volume 2 was part of the reason why I added him in this. Let me tell you though, I rewrote his and Mafuyu's scene so many times and I'm still not completely happy with it. However, I think I've gotten the hang of writing Mafuyu a bit more, so we'll see how part two turns out. Thanks for reading!


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